Here is just another part of motherhood that did not go as planned. Throughout your pregnancy, especially your first, you picture what motherhood will be like and expect everything to go perfectly. Well, let me be blunt, it is not perfect. It is absolutely amazing and the most rewarding thing, but it is not perfect. After coming home from the hospital, the biggest challenge was breastfeeding. This came as a shock to me because Myla latched on right away after birth. She struggled to gain weight and I just felt like I could not supply enough. This led me to feel like I failed myself, I failed my daughter, and I failed all those that I told I was determined to breastfeed for a year. I felt like I had done absolutely everything to help her gain weight and increase my supply. I was feeding her at least every two hours, even through the night. My eyes hurt from reading so many articles about increasing breastmilk supply. You name it, I tried it, Mother’s milk tea, fenugreek, oatmeal, red and blue Gatorade, etc….. Two weeks later and she was still not gaining weight, what is wrong with me? Everyone said I was doing everything right but it sure didn’t feel like it. This caused so much stress and anxiety, which definitely did not help my supply. In the hospital breastfeeding went so smoothly, she latched great and felt satisfied after feeding. She continued to latch great but she was not satisfied anymore which led to her on my breast for what felt like hours at a time and 30 minute breaks in between. This caused a fussy baby and an exhausted mom. I was constantly texting and calling my mom for solutions and to release my stress and talk it out with her. The solutions named above probably would have helped if I let my body relax and de-stress, like my mom kept telling me. Then came a day where I wanted to give up. My mom responded to a stream of complaints and said “Then just quit.” Did she really want me to? No. But she knew this would make me even more determined to continue. This is the same day I passed Myla off to David just so I could go take a hot shower and bawl my eyes out. She was so fussy and unsatisfied that day that I was left feeling exhausted, like I had failed her. I told myself I was going to give up but then I remembered something my mother and mother-in-law had told me, “There is going to be a day that you want to give up, just push past that day.” That night I looked down into her beautiful eyes as I was breastfeeding her and told myself I was not going to give up on her just because I was being selfish and felt exhausted. The next day felt like a miracle, she was her happy self and her feeding went smoothly and she was satisfied! Will the days going forward always be perfect like that day? No, but I will remind myself when I look down into her beautiful eyes that I will always continue to push myself. So, to the moms who are at the day where they just want to give up, I urge you to push through that day. Seek help from other moms, your doctor, lactation consultants, they will help you and they offer amazing support! Things will get better, mama.
News on Myla’s weight gain: At birth she was 8lbs 7oz and dropped down to 7lbs 7oz. A week before her one month checkup she was only at 7.8lbs. At her one month checkup we learned that she had finally gained weight and was at 8lbs 4oz. She’s just a little bit, as her Nana calls her. She is definitely in the lower percentiles for height and weight but she is a happy healthy baby!