If I had to count the number of pregnancy tests I’ve taken in the last year, you would be shocked.
Getting pregnant with Myla came with such ease and unplanned, very happy and exciting, but nonetheless unplanned. That’s how it seems to be, right? You go so long desperately hoping for something and the moment you sit back and say, “I’m giving it to you, God. I am taking a step back to focus on myself, my marriage, and my life.” Then, BAM!! The ever so unexpected BLESSING comes when it seems the least likely to occur. It’s kind of a funny story actually. When we talk to friends and family about whether Myla was planned or not, everyone assumes that she was. David and I knew we wanted a big family and to start right away. And then we got married. A little over a month into our blissful newlywed stage, we took a family trip to Colorado. It was actually on our way to Owensboro to meet up with my parents to carpool the long drive to the mountains that we had a long conversation about when we wanted to start having babies. We came to the conclusion that we would wait a year or two before we started trying. We knew we needed to focus on our very new marriage and settle into our roles as husband and wife. We were still very young and in school. Well, God had different plans. It was on that very trip that we conceived little Miss Myla. It was very much a surprise but an oh so happy one at that. Those first few days of no one knowing but us were so precious. Myla has been such a blessing in our lives and I would never want it to be another way.
But, I long for the day that I can make her the big, amazing sister she so much deserves. Despite all the rough patches in my pregnancy, I LOVED IT! Everyone said I would get to the point I was ready to get her out of me and hold that baby. While I was eager to hold her, I never desperately yearned for my pregnancy to be over. Pregnancy AMAZED me. I was so fascinated at what my body could create and after months of hard work, I got a beautiful baby girl in my arms. From the moment she was born, I knew I was ready to be pregnant again! Yes, I know, I am crazy.
Myla was born in 2019, which means she turned a year old during the great quarantine of 2020! You know what that also meant?? A LOT OF QUARANTINE BABIES!!! Left and right my social media was filling with pregnancy announcements and nearly every girl that had been pregnant at the same time as me, or even after, either just had a baby or is now expecting. While I am ecstatic for those that are expecting a new bundle of joy, my heart can’t help but sink a little more each time, thinking, “that should be me too.” I feel so extremely guilty for these thoughts. I know so many women who have struggled with infertility, miscarriages, and stillbirths that are patiently awaiting their Rainbow Baby. So yes, I feel guilty because I know there are others who struggle far more than I. We pushed so hard to have the popular “two under two” and as Myla is quickly approaching her 2nd birthday, I become more saddened and burdened that I haven’t conceived. No, these are not struggles I have talked to my midwife about or sought out care, and at this time we are not ready for that step. Maybe that’s fear thinking there could be something wrong. But, I also remind myself that my body went through A LOT of work with growing a healthy, happy baby for 9 months and the toll that labor and breastfeeding for 16 months took on my body. My body is still healing and regulating. And that is OKAY!
I can’t help but feel sad that I have not yet conceived. Hearing the “you need to give Myla a sibling!” “You haven’t gotten pregnant yet?” “When do you all plan on having another baby?” “Will it be soon?” and seeing the faces drop of those that are expecting me to be pregnant when they see me take a sip of alcohol saddens me. Because just like you all, I yearn for it too! I don’t mean to nonchalantly say “that would be exciting!” or “Another kid, already??” As much as I want to be open with you, this emotional roller coaster has not been easy for me and sometimes it is just easier to hide the pain and sadness behind a mask. No, I am not trying to make you all feel guilty, please don’t. That is not my intention with this post. How could you ever know my internal struggles if I haven’t told you?? So please, don’t apologize or feel bad. This is not an easy thing for me to admit. You didn’t see the nights I cried or got angry. If it weren’t for my loving and supportive husband, I don’t know how I would have handled this if he wasn’t taking care of me. At this time in my life, being back in school and amongst other things, a baby would definitely make things a lot harder. But do babies ever come when planned? I feel as though God is up there smiling and laughing saying, “Oh Emily, haven’t you learned to trust me yet? You don’t know the blessings that will be coming your way!” We have tried, and the Good Lord knows we have! But for now, I must trust in Him because that is not his plan for us right now. We will continue focusing on our marriage, sweet little girl, and getting me through school! And one day, I know I will see another two pink lines. But until then, I am going to *try* to let go and let God. Also, a special thank you to my hubby who has been there to wipe my tears away and hold me on the bad nights.
P.S. Mamas struggling with ttc, loss, infertility, I am offering you up in my prayers.
All my love,
xo, Em
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